How NOT to dress. Clinton Kelly, cohost of TLC’s popular show What Not to Wear and author of Oh No She Didn’t, pokes fun at five common fashion and style “don’ts” and, because he loves you, presents easy alternatives. From his book Oh No She Didn’t: The Top 100 Style Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid Them.
TRACKSUITS
Is your tracksuit cool? Are you sure? Take this quiz and find out!
You are wearing a tracksuit at this very moment and . . .
- You are J.Lo. (Add 10 points.)
- You are in the Mob. (Add 10 points.)
- You are fitness-walking in the mall and you are over the age of sixty-five. (Add 3 points.)
- The tracksuit is velour. (Subtract 2 points.)
- The tracksuit is vinyl. (Subtract 2 points.)
- The tracksuit is pink velour with a word on the ass and you are older than seventeen. (Subtract 375 points.)
Scoring
0 to 23 points. Your tracksuit is acceptable. Congratulations!
-2 to 0 points. Here’s the thing about tracksuits: If they’re made of nylon, you obviously think you’re living in a different decade. If they’re velour, you’ve been brainwashed into thinking this is an acceptable casual look for women. I can pretty much guarantee that the manufacturers of such tracksuits are laughing at you — all the way to the bank. (I’ll give girls under the age of seventeen a little leeway here because you’re not old enough to know you’re being brainwashed.) In general, if you’re not in the actual process of working out, tracksuits make you look lazy, out of touch, or like some wannabe pop star. Try upgrading to jeans and a casual jacket.
Less than -2 points. You lose.
HAIRY LEGS UNDER HOSE
Let me begin by stating that I strongly support a woman’s right not to shave any part of her body if she so chooses; however, exercising that right should qualify you for mandatory military service. But that’s beside the point.
For the love of all things holy, if you have not shaved your legs in a month, do not, under any circumstances, wear sheer hose! There are few things in the world as revolting as the sight of what appear to be a thousand tapeworms squished between a woman’s legs and her stockings. Go opaque or go home. Better yet, use some kind of depilatory! And I hope all you drag queens and trannies out there are paying attention. Man up, and shave those damn gams. You too, Mo’Nique.
COUNTERFEIT ANYTHING
Manufacturing counterfeit products is unconscionable, because it’s stealing and it’s illegal. People who sell these fakes make me angry, and people who buy them have my sympathy. Yes, sympathy.
If you think that carrying a fake designer bag is going to make you more fabulous, your priorities are incredibly screwed up. That ill-applied label only tells the world you’re ashamed of yourself for not being able to afford the real thing. If you can’t afford an Hermès bag, who the hell cares? There are plenty of gorgeous, reasonably priced bags in the world, just waiting to be bought and carried with pride and style.
Sure, it sucks when someone else has the money to buy what you want, whether it’s a bag or a car or a house or a swimming pool or a trophy husband. But that doesn’t give you the right to steal profits from Hermès or Gucci or Prada or even Kate Spade.
LOW BOOBIES
Wherever your boobs rest naturally is just fine, and I hope you love them.
I will tell you, however, that pendulous breasts don’t look so good in clothes and that’’s because clothes aren’t constructed to accommodate a bust that hits the belly button. Clothes are designed on dress forms. Where is the bust on a dress form? About halfway between the shoulder and the elbow. (I know dress forms don’t have elbows, smarty-pants. Try to imagine where the elbow would be.)
So, if you want clothes to fit you better, it would behoove you to hoist your boobies up to that general position. You could have a doctor do that for you. Or you could try an absolutely incredible new product! It’s called . . . a good bra.
How do you get a good bra? You go to a professional bra fitter, not the sixteen-year-old who works at a lingerie shop in the mall after school.
Most women I’ve worked with discover after a professional bra fitting that they are smaller in the band and bigger in the cup than they had thought. This is usually a welcome discovery, because if a bra fits better under the bust, the band can do the vast majority of the bra’s work, rather than the straps. This will result in a more comfortable fit. If your bra is sliding down your rib cage, even just a little, the straps are forced to hold up the boobs. That means they’ll be more likely to dig into your shoulders and cause fatigue.
Even when you know your bra size, you should try on a bra in a store before you buy it — especially if you’re buying a different brand. There’s no government office that regulates bra fit, so a 36DD in one brand or style might fit you, while a 34DDD in another might be the best choice.
Please, please, please . . . for the sake of fit and silhouette, give the girls a lift! They could use a little pick-me-up, and so could you:
1…2…3…4… Get your boobies off the floor!
5…6…7…8… Now’s the time to elevate!
APPLYING MAKEUP IN PUBLIC
Truly chic women have an air of mystery about them. They create and maintain the illusion that they roll out of bed looking perfect, even if their appearance is more engineered than a Dubai skyscraper.
Ladies, don’t divulge your beauty secrets — any of them. Beautiful people have their blackheads squeezed, their colons irrigated, and their ear wax candled. But they don’t let any Tom, Dick, or Harry watch. The same rule applies to curling your eyelashes while you’re on the bus, applying lipstick at the dinner table, or powdering your forehead in the lunchroom. It’s gross. It’s rude. And it’s beneath you. They put mirrors in bathrooms for a reason — use them.
P.S. If I look in my rearview mirror and see you applying makeup while driving your car at 60 m.p.h., I will intentionally slam on my breaks. So watch yourself, sister.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Clinton Kelly is the cohost of TLC’s popular show What Not to Wear, a spokesperson for Macy’s, and a motivational speaker who has successfully talked thousands of women out of stirrup pants. He has worked as an editor at several noted fashion publications, including Marie Claire and Mademoiselle. In his book Oh No She Didn’t: The Top 100 Style Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid Them (Copyright © 2010 by Clinton Kelly), Clinton points out the hundreds of fashion mistakes women most commonly make and describes how to fix them.
MORE ARTICLES BY THE AUTHOR
LEARN MORE
- Read the Introduction to Oh No She Didn’t: The Top 100 Style Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid Them
- Learn more about Oh No She Didn’t, a delightful mix of hilarious dish and expert fashion advice
great article, really funny, but useful